A couple of weeks back I asked Aaron to hide our scale.  I knew that it would only hurt me (mentally and possibly physically) to continue to weigh myself daily at that point in my training.  Now that my race is over (and I met my goal) I have been pondering whether or not I want that piece of metal back in my life.  Initially I told Aaron not to give it back to me until after October 16, 2011.  I haven’t asked for it back, and I don’t know that I want to. 

There are days when I get up and feel the need to know.  I want to step on that piece of metal so that it can register a number.  Give me some kind of validation.  I My brain then takes that number and uses it to dictate how my day proceeds.  Do I need that in my life?  No.  Do I want that in my life?  Maybe, on some days.  I know some of you may think I am nuts to say that, but it is part of my illness.  It is an obsession to know these numbers.  In some sick & crazy way, that number comforts me, though much more so when it is where “I think” it should be. 

Where do I come up with the number I think I should weigh?  I am asking this not only of myself, but of anyone else out there who knows what I am going through.  What if my scale only read weight in kilograms?  I would be lost and have no clue, which may be better for me.  Who says that I have to weigh ___lbs?  Do I feel any different when I weigh 5 lbs more?  5 lbs less?  Other than that initial mental jolt of excitement or disappointment?  Unfortunately the disappointment from seeing a gain carries on through the day & may dictate my food choices.  Do my friends “unfriend” me because I gain weight?  What am I so scared of? 

That is the million dollar question:  What am I so scared of?  I am healthy.  I just ran the race of my life and obviously my body had what it needed to perform.  If I were to base my daily food and/or calorie intake on what the scale said in the morning, I may be jeopardizing that.  So why do I feel that pull?  Why can’t I shake that? 

I did what I set out to do – I ran a half marathon in under 2 hours.  Why can’t that be good enough?  My brain automatically begins to move on to the next challenge – what can we do to get better?  I am thrilled with my results, don’t get me wrong, I am just being brutally honest about how my brain is functioning. 

So, as it stands now, there is no scale.  I am going to try to listen to my body, eat a healthy, balanced diet, train smartly, go by how my clothes fit and live life.  I will win this war, even if I lose a few battles along the way.